Weekend recap for the sports fans........

Friday:
Apparently no one in Indy knows how to navigate a six lane highway when there's an emergency vehicle on the shoulder. Everyone likes to slow down to a crawl and stare while getting into the left lanes. Me? I'm the guy who knows how to move over while maintaining speed but since I'm the only one that makes me the guy slamming on his brakes whilst simultaneously defecating and having a coronary heart attack. That's okay cause Dane Cook saved my life on Friday. Exhausted from my first week of actual work in two months, I was taking 20 min catnaps on I-65 @ 79mph. Grabbed my Ipod and tuned into Dane Cook's "Retaliation" disc 1 and 2. Laughed my ass off the whole way home and didn't even get mad when I exited like 10 miles too soon and had to take country roads to get home. I eventually arrived home safely, case of Miller Lite in tote. Had a few beers and watched tv till I passed out without realizing it. Now the rest of the events are truely unknown but we can testiculate on them. I woke up after passing out with the TV on, had to hit the head, for some reason went not to the spare bathroom but the master bathroom in my parent's bedroom. Here's where the details get very sketchy, my mom woke up b/c she heard a ruckus in the bathroom and was the 1st to respond to the crime scene.......after I left it ;-) Apparently, my aim was a little off and the bathroom vanity was broke. The next morning, I tried to recall the events to the jury and do remember waking up with the TV still on and then I was in the bathroom and then for some reason I was trying to open a drawer on the vanity, only it wasn't a draw but a fake drawer front. Well, for those that don't know, I work out, and yeah, ripped the false drawer front off the vanity. I then proceeded to lean it up against the wall and return to the couch for the rest of the night. Bathroom Vanity: 0 Rocky: 1................bitch.

Saturday:
A mutual friend of my brother and mine was in need of muscle. Since I work out and she drove our collective drunk asses around to some bars in Hammond a few weeks back, I volunteered to assist. Apparently, she owned this 800lbs couch and her brother-in-law needed help moving it. When he gets there, his wife looks at me and says "how much can you bench?". She goes on to tell a story of the last person that helped move this piece of furniture and how even though he was a big guy he was no help whatsoever. Harry, the brother-in-law, said he thought the guy was going to cry halfway through the moving process. Turns out the fella was my brother's life partner and roommate, John. We all had a good laugh over that and I was sure to tell my parents the story so my dad can give John shit next time he sees him. So, I spend the entire afternoon busting my hump but it was kool b/c Harry thought I was the shit and told his sister-in-law that the couch ain't ever moving again cause I was moving to Indy and wouldn't be around to help.
It was my brother's birthday Sunday so we decided to tear it up Saturday night. He had called me earlier in the week and wanted to do a man-date with John and me. No bitches no problems. We decided to jump the train to Chi-town cause there was some festivals in town. My uncle also decided to come out which was cool b/c even though he doesn't drink he's good for convo. After getting cleaned up I get to my bro's b/c he lives a block and a half from the train station, only to find out that his life partner turned female and sold out. John was already in Chi-town selling out hard. I proposed the idea of getting our beer-muscles on and hunting him down for sport. John's kinda a fat slow kid and sure enough, in a city of millions, we run right into him heading to some bar. But, I digress, so we hop the train and go to this great English pub, Elephants & Castles, for food and ale. Then, we're walking the five blocks to this bar my brother likes and my uncle saves me from stepping in HUMAN FECES!!!! Someone dropped trough right by the EL train entrance staircase. And worse yet, someone else had already stepped in it and smeared it all around. Some sick fucks in Chicago. We should've thrown John in it.
Anywho, the first bar was dead so we jump in a cab to go to Maggie O'Shea's. What we didn't know was that the cabbie was ex-NASA and had installed a rocket engine on his cab. Now I've been in cabs that do 90 mph down Lakeshore Drive but this guy was "red light racing" downtown. We come to a screeching halt and Ben, who's riding shotgun, goes "woah, didn't know this was a roller coaster" and my uncle is searching for his seat belt. Me? I was trying to digest the Fat Tire Ale we had before we got in the cab. I was pretty much on the verge of puking before getting into the cab and was now about to seal the deal. We ended up jumping out of the cab a block early just to avoid certain death. We get into the bar, score some miller lites and vanilla Cohiba cigars. I'm people watching and this couple posts up next to us. The girl, who's kinda cute, is obviously drunk and the dude was more than obviously sporting wood for her. The main reason I'm watching this train wreck is b/c she's not exactly being responsive to his attempts to hold her face in place so he can make out with her and I was looking for the opportunity to bottle a muthafucka, just needed the reason. Well, I'm watching and starting to read lips and the girl is protesting his barbarian attempts to be Rico Sauve b/c she's married and he's married and not to each other. I then notice the rings on their fingers. Yet another shining example of why not to get married. After that I let it go b/c they both get what they deserve. The worse part was that even though she was a petitie blonde, she had a helluva hook nose that was discolored like it was just broke. We joke with my brother about his nose being a bit big and even he was like "damn, that bitch's nose makes mine look small".
The rest of the night was uneventful fun drinking. We go to the scariest train stop in chicago at 12:40am to get back to hammond. We bid my uncle ado as he heads home and we head into a bar down the street my Ben's house. We toss back a few more to cap off the night and then order a 24oz beer, pay for it, and walk right out of the establishment. Laws be damned cause we ordered ours to go ;-P
Sunday:
Wake up with a terrific hangover. Ben's friend, Ava, is coming over to visit for his b-day and I had wanted to meet her so he wakes me up and I try to get my shit together. I grab a beer and go outside where they're sitting and chatting. She looks at me and says "Do you always wake up to Miller Lite" and Ben's like "on a good day......" We're just chillin' and I'm watching traffic when I see a car pass by that looks just like my sweet old grandma's. Well, Ava's car was blocking my line of sight else I would've seen the car stop and park b/c it was my sweet old grandma. Thank god the neighbors ran interference so I could chug my beer and toss the bottle. My grandma is the sweetest person and prays for my soul all the time so I do my best to stay in her good grace. It was kool though b/c my uncle came back over and John woke up and the five of us just chilled with my brother talking and being family. Tear-jerkin' but those moments mean a lot to me b/c I've been estranged for a long time now. I've been trying to do my best to find my way back to my family cause in the end they're all you gots.
Eventually, ben and me head to my parents so they could see him for his b-day and I had to pack my stuff to get back to Indy. I'm getting used to that drive down I-65 from St. John. I had to check back into the hell-hole of a Days Inn b/c Formula 1 racing is this weekend and everyone else was raising their rates. This time I got a nice room that didn't have sticky carpet or a funky odor. I went to grab dinner at this rustic lodge called Loon Lake Lodge. They have an actual old ski boat hanging upside down over the bar. They have some really good fish that they can cool like eight different ways. Good stuff. I ended up staying away till 1am to watch Dane Cook's "Vicious Circle" on HBO so I'm exhausted today. Good way to end a great weekend................